Sunday, 10 July 2011

TIMELESS....

Time is everything for everything we doing in our life, so do I'm. soon gonna be 2012 and we still have a few month left before moving to the next year, i always believe that every year definitely many things happen , i do experience it all in my days up and down so make me stronger to get through all those road in my life. sometimes, i feel like i been living in a weird life and person, i never really once act like the person i am i dunno how to be a really ME as i think, for my whole life i been stay up here i think i the person that so unidentified person maybe only GOD know who am i. i always have this wonder in my mind, why i always the one that feel the awkward here even it day by day, sometimes i do feel like i soo wrong to this kind of feeling. i dunno why but from the bottom deep of mine heart, i feel so awkward even we been living for such a long and the place give me to see the world. the way you treat me make me feel so weird and awkward to be around with you guys, pretending that i happy around make me feel so hurt from been happen for me, cus you just dunno how i suppose to feel those pain inside mine, i never talk out cus i not the type of person that will talk about my past and my present but i dunno how much longer i can keep those for myself, i really wish i could talk to someone but i always have this in my mind*saying that i couldn't talk to anyone as there many type of people that you can trust and they can be you ears but i dunno is this the best way to say it out as there many people that living much harder than mine so i shouldn't saying that i in the bad situation. ** for all the treat that i been through make me feel i cannot living in this way, why there always the blame on me when it not suppose to be my blame, i can understand sometimes, why hate me and give a name to the person like me? but if i could choice i would be not choice to born with but i never regret to here with you but if i really could choice to be then i really hope you can get a better kids than me. cus i know i never seem a nice infront you, maybe, you really glad to see me when the first day i'm in the world but with the hated you been care on maybe the days till now, it gonna be different than now right? i scared to talk about this, cus i always remind myself that " outside there alot of young kids that dint get a better life as i do, lost them parents,lost everything just like the world end but that how life, so we just keep moving on with god holding our hands for the better next day " make me stuck my mind that i shouldn't complaint or saying anything bad to my life as i'm really get a good life than people really need it actually. days by days, those awkward feeling really stress me out as i shouldn't have this kind of feeling toward them but i keep it too much in my deeper heart make me wanna crazy! I dunno if you ever tot the same think as think but the way u treat me remind me alot of how hate you are to me and remember for those things you ever done to me really hurt me alot and i dunno how i supposed to forgot it and get lost it from mine mind. it make a deeper scar of my heart till now but i still forgot you but the way you treat other and me totally different even do they did the same things but make me feel soo unfair and show me that how much that you really hate me. it not something i can forgot but it something that mark up on my heart and it became a scar that i couldn't ever erase it gone. Till now, i guess it not the hate but it Unlike feel to me right? i really wanna give you a better life than now, i not lost my road way to success, maybe you thinks i now didn't have any kind of guarantee or job but could you just give me a support and let me think about it, i really trying hard but if it didn't turn as i want it, i also couldn't do anything about it i just wish that you could give me a space and understanding. when you keep saying it, i really hurt by you word but i just make a silent and pretend not to hear it but i feel soo crying inside listen the way you talk ti me and it really make me wanna yell out but i can keep it cus this is not the first time i keeping it inside my fully scar heart. i crying not the things been have but i crying how come you dont get it and when it come to other step F side? i just don't want something could happen in future just i get a help from other "side" but you just throw you word like you didn't think much about it? i feel soo guilty to have this kind of feeling but i just couldn't help it out to hide my feeling. i just wish you could understand my little word here but i never blame you and other i just blame myself to have this kind of feel and i really hope i can throw all those painfully memories and back with the Real me and maybe that time will take much longer i could figure out. with the soo most i been memories with, happen and been through, it not something i can just forgot as i forgive for those people but it something left me a longer and much scar that i couldn't just erase it or throw it. cus it just still Light and every moment here. i scared with those memories and turning dark as my light goes to dark. moving on is something i can give it but moving on with such a haunted heart and unidentified really make me emotional everything to be talk about. maybe i just not ready yet to let go what really happen on me and still left the bigger scar that i never really throw it away. really hoping someday i could found my truly self and hope those memories will get away from me so day i will really go on my life with no more emotional leftover here. i could forgive for what happen those memories but i not sure if i could forgive for my self. cus so tired to chased by those darker and so tired to tears out every time and tired to feel i'm been lost and lost again by those darker road.even it really gonna lost mine haunted heart then please be lost it from beginning till now.IT FEEL LIKE A TIMELESS between mine and time.....

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